The Last Ride of the Pony Express
by spoonerdog123
Summary: In which five gaming addicts take a kissing game to extremes - meaning that the term 'Shadow Kissing Game' actually gets used. Post Battle City. Contains a large number of very much non-serious shippings, including Thief, Antago, Wish, Rival, Puppy, Libera, and whatever Yugi X Kaiba X Joey X Bakura X Marik is. Rated for kissing, fluff, and violence. Art trade for someone on dA.


**Obligatory Disclaimer: Don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. And I definitely don't own any sort of kissing game rights, if one can actually own kissing game rights.**

**Please note that all shippings contained within this fic are intentionally non-serious.**

**Reply to Guest Review (yeah, I reply to GRs where they're placed: on the piece.)**

jj:ummmmm?

Me: I'll take that to mean that you thought it was weird, despite the fact that 'ummmmm?' could probably mean much worse (for the record, anything from your not speaking English to your absolute loathing of the piece could be implied there). I mean, it's not like you're clarifying here. The thing's weird because it was designed to be weird from the start, I mentioned that down the bottom. So, did any of it actually make sense to you, or...?

**The Last Ride of the Pony Express**

**3:00 AM ****_(start point…)_**

The brunette cut a strange sight, lurching down the deserted school hallway with a rather uneven gait, his arms occasionally flailing for balance. His pristine white jacket was muddied, grass shavings coating the ends of the ridiculously long tailcoat, and the backs of his jeans were still smoldering a little from the taser blast one of his own security robots had dealt to them. Most disturbing, however, was the young man's face – the visage that had glared into the cameras of many a reporter now held a perfectly blank look, a far cry from the vicious intelligence it usually displayed.

Inside the puppet's head, however, that vicious intelligence appeared to be alive and well; in fact, right at this particular moment, it was currently insulting the controller of its body:

_'I fail to see why you happened to feel that attempting to get me past my own security without any form of identity was a good idea.'_

The Puppet Master (yes, with the capital letters, it had insisted on those) hissed angrily; and for a second the eyes of its puppet flared purple. _'You are Seto Kaiba! That should have been identity enough!'_

Seto Kaiba's consciousness sniffed, even though his body did not. _'My guards are briefed to be on the lookout for clones.'_ A pause, then he went on;_ 'By the way, the magic word they asked for was 'please'.'_

_'And how was I supposed to know that? It wasn't like you told me!'_

The CEO bristled inwardly. _'You're inside my head. And whilst I currently have no rational explanation for that, you would think that since you happen to be present and irritating me-'_

_'So what?' _Kaiba winced at the sudden stab of malice from the Puppet Master, but said nothing; the controller seemed to be more than happy to supply a rant._ 'It's not like I can access people's memories with this thin–'_

**THUNK!**

_'And it doesn't look like you can exactly steer my body, either. You had better not have damaged my precious mush, by the way. I need it for the photoshoot tomorrow.'_

_'…Shut up.'_

* * *

**3:09 AM ****_(nine minutes later…)_**

The body of Seto Kaiba lurched down the hallway, pausing occasionally in its forwards motion to stagger back from the walls, whilst its consciousness launched acidic remarks at the Puppet Master. The trio (or duo, or person, or whatever the heck you would call them) eventually reached their destination; a darkened classroom, with nothing of any real interest beyond perhaps the fact that there was another door(aside from the one Kaiba's body had just walked into three times before it grabbed the handle).

With regards to the plot of this one–shot, there _was _in fact something interesting other than the second door – however Seto Kaiba, as a rule, did not consider other people to be at all 'interesting.'

Especially not a white–haired, knife–stroking individual with a death wish.

"Always nice to see…" The aforementioned stopped mid–sentence with a glare, one that lost some of its intended impact due to the wooden handle of a kitchen knife being in the glarer's mouth at that particular moment.

_'Focus, Kaiba. I brought him here, so you play nicely!'_

_'I AM focused, moron. You're the one who's making my eyeballs stare at his ar–'_

An awkward cough sounded in his head, and the brunette silently cursed the censor that had seemingly affected him all his life. _'Anyway, you both need to listen to me. When the other guests at my big 'Marik's Going Back To Egypt And Also Turning Sixteen' party–_

_'You nearly had me shot for the purposes of a BIRTHDAY PARTY?!' _Kaiba snarled in fury, lashing with all his might against Marik – not that it did much good, as the controller seemed to remain utterly oblivious to whatever attempts he was making.

_'That's not the point. What I'm saying is that when they arri–'_

_'I thought you were at least going to do something decently evil. Something exciting. Not prance around and WASTE MY TIME with some stupid pa–'_

_'There's party games.'_

_'…Will Yugi Moto be present?'_

_'Yes.'_

Kaiba made a snap decision. _'I'll stay. But only for the games, you understand?'_

_'Of course, of course. Now, I'll make this quick: As soon as the other guests arrive, we are going to play a game, which you have hopefully heard of. It is called…'_

* * *

**3:10 AM ****_(one minute later…)_**

"PONY EXPRESS?!"

The snarl of total outrage was accompanied by a snicker, and followed up by a frosty glare in the general direction of the culprit; a white–haired teen who was grinning from ear to ear. "Oh, so you find this funny? Then tell me, genius: Why exactly would _anyone _want to play such a childishly named game?"

"I'll take that to mean that it's you and not Playboy over there in control", the other teenager mumbled, quickly raising his voice to a level just above 'normal speech' before Kaiba (or Marik, who he knew to be hiding with them in the room) could become suspicious; "Why would _anyone_ want to play a children's card game?" Settling back against the desk, he let his grin slip a little wider, staring unblinkingly at his opponent – daring him to argue, even as he drummed slender fingers against the flat of his blade in an obvious threat. It was a dangerous game to play with the CEO, he knew that full well; but of course it didn't stop him from playing anyway.

Needless to say, the death glare he received in response to his taunt could have frozen a volcano; the silence following it was icy enough to cause frostbite. The pale teen swallowed hard; he knew what was coming from watching Kaiba become angry on previous occasions, not that he had ever had that wrath aimed directly at him.

As he predicted, the brunette began his absolute tirade with a venomous whisper:

"Did you insult a game which Kaiba Corp is heavily invested in?"

The pale teen managed to keep his expression calm, but nevertheless found himself leaning backwards slightly when Kaiba abruptly took a step in his direction. "Well–"

"And, by extension," the CEO went on, his voice now rising in volume as he slowly picked his way through the few desks separating the two of them; "Did you insult Kaiba Corp itself, all of Kaiba Corp's affiliates and associates, regrettably including Maximillion Pegasus in that number, the entirety of the staff of Kaiba Corp, Vice President Mokuba Kaiba, and most importantly, _me?_"

The pale teen raised the knife in automatic defense; he had little idea of what words exactly had just sped from the brunette's lips, but he was certain that it meant one thing.

Kaiba was_ royally_ ticked off.

"I suppo–"

One quick stride, a flash of the brunette's palm, the knife clattered to the floor. The stranger now found Kaiba to be standing over him, stormy and dominating, his voice bouncing off every corner of the room. He could feel the desk he was slouching against vibrating with the amplitude of those howled words:

"AND DID YOU, THEREFORE, ASK FOR THE ALMIGHTY SETO KAIBA TO KICK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK?"

Silence, while the other teen desperately tried to regain his balance – but it was far too late for that. Before he could think of, much less make any sort of smart comment, Kaiba had already pressed his attack, snarling in his enemy's face. _Literally_, because as the brunette leaned closer and closer, the white haired teen found himself angling his body backwards, until his shoulders and back were touching the desk, his feet had lost contact with the ground and that bastard had a hand on either side of the desk and _oh god I hope there aren't any cameras here this is going to butcher my reputation._

In the precious seconds that passed before Kaiba decided to press his attack, the teen made a quick mental note: _Crush Marik's camera into at least ten thousand pieces._

Now Kaiba lowered his voice to a hiss, capturing his victim's attention in moments: "He would be all too happy to do just that. And before you say it, He would not do it with His 'children's cards' – no, He would do it like a _man._"A long pause. "Unless… _unless _you didn't happen to insult His favourite game, of course." He reached down, then one hand was hefting the steel briefcase that had claimed the skulls of many previous opponents, placing it on the desk next to the other teen's head–

"I said nothing."

One corner of Kaiba's lip raised ever so slightly as he stepped back; it was hard to tell whether this happened to be a just–barely–concealed sneer, or an extraordinarily lame attempt at a smirk. "Good. Now, we were discussing Pony Express. A ridiculous name; clearly created for a childish game."

The other teenager snorted, sitting upright on the desk as quickly as possible. "You clearly don't know what it entails, my dear Kaiba."

The brunette's gaze immediately narrowed to a laserlike focus. "Elaborate."

"Lemme think long and har– no." The pale teen retrieved the knife from the floor, and with it regained his infuriating smirk as he flicked the weapon up in the air, calmly backing away from his opponent until he stood at the opposite end of the room. "If I tell you, it'll spoil the surprise."

Running some calculations through his mind encompassing the number of icy silences observed over the last three minutes, the average temperature of a mostly empty classroom, the general drop in temperature due to the pale teen's presence, and the rough amount of heat lost due to the use of his famous glare, Kaiba came to the conclusion that the temperature in the room had to be a negative number by this stage. It made sense, he supposed; the two hated each other with a passion, and they hadn't even gotten around to 'discussing' the existence of magic yet. He took a step forwards anyway, blue eyes boring into brown.

"I want to _win._"

Bakura stared a long moment at Kaiba in the near–dark – then he began to laugh until he almost howled, until his throat was rough and raw from the effort, until he had to wrap one hand around his belly and double over.

"You… you _can't_ win this game."

A smirk twisted Kaiba's face into an expression that was significantly more vicious than it had been before. "Just watch me."

The other teen sneered in reply. "I'll watch your face when Marik tells you the rules of this one!"

* * *

**3:20 AM ****_(ten minutes later…)_**

The situation in the classroom had become a standoff of sorts now – neither Kaiba nor Bakura spoke; they simply glared daggers, each daring the other to attack. They remained that way until Marik came from his hiding place just behind the door, brandishing his gold staff as though the Millennium Rod was actually dangerous. "Greetings!"

The CEO's head snapped around, fixing the Egyptian with a steely look. "Where's Yugi? And where's the _games?_"

"Oh, Yugi will be here soon enough. He's just in the room next door."

One eyebrow arched. "And?"

Marik snickered, reaching over a desk to click off the lights. "Well, now the game has begun. And as you can see, I'll be playing with you… Oh, wait." A soft chuckle from the front of the room. "You can't see, can you?" A shifting of fabric; Kaiba imagined that the much–hated Puppet Master was now attempting to sit down, and his lip twitched slightly when the Egyptian missed the chair he was trying to sit on, going from the yelp and crash – given Bakura's estimated location at this point in time, Marik's fall was likely due to the other teen pulling the Egyptian's seat out from under him. A juvenile move, certainly, but a move still worthy of the CEO's respect.

His eyes were starting to adjust to the change now – in the near gloom, he could just make out a shadow flitting over and under the desks with incredible grace. Settling on a desk as far away from the Egyptian as could be, it spoke, revealing itself to be Bakura. "Marik, I'd be careful moving around in the dark. After all, you might find something sharp… Or maybe it might find you."

The teen let it hang, seemingly listening for the sweet sound of a panicked swallow from Marik.

"Y–you wouldn't."

A yawn. "I never said I _would_."

"Good, because it'd kinda spoil the party if you–"

Bakura began to grind the blade of his knife against the desk leg closest to him, the ugly screech of metal meeting metal drowning out the Egyptian. After a while, he stopped in thought.

"…Never said I_ wouldn't_, either."

"You'd better not, or I swear I'll–"

"The thing is… Whoever comes through that door must be given what is traditionally given. But… What if I miss? I might just hit one of you two." A pause. "And it's more likely to be you, Marik, because I just can't stand people who _waste my time._" The room darkened a little at the edges, though whether that was in response to the italics or due to the pale teen's growing anger was anyone's guess. "I'll have your soul for this, you understand that?"

The CEO immediately came in with a little input; "I want his head first."

Bakura considered this. "How about half each?"

"Fair enough, if I can have his scalp."

"H–hey! Not funny!"

White teeth flashed in the dark, light glinting off Bakura's knife as he stroked it. "You'd better be ready when someone walks in, Marik…"

* * *

**3:27 AM ****_(seven minutes later…)_**

As it turned out, Bakura and Kaiba weren't the only ones currently stuck in the dark, in a strange classroom, with little idea of what the hell they were supposed to be doing. There were, in fact, another two individuals, one short, one tall, in the room just down the hallway, who were in a rather similar situation.

Or, at least, _one _of the two aforementioned people was stuck in the dark, in a strange classroom, with little idea of what the hell he was supposed to be doing. The tall one was more of a companion; he had not been possessed so far, but had simply followed his best friend out of concern when Yugi Moto had very nearly fallen out the window trying to leave the Kame Game shop without waking anyone up. To make matters even more interesting, Joey Wheeler knew exactly what his friend was required to do, having more than enough knowledge of this particular game. In fact, he had even filled Yugi in on the rules of Pony Express as best he could, before the lights had gone out – he wasn't very good at explanations, but he certainly made a brave attempt.

"What you do is, there's two groups of people, a group of guys in this room, which is obviously us, and a group of girls in the other room, which is whoever Marik thinks we'll like. Now, one group of people will be the senders, and one will be the receivers. The senders send a person over to get… you know… from each person in the other group." (1)

"They get 'you know?'" Yugi's eyes had gone even wider than they normally were. "But Joey… isn't that…" And here he dropped his voice to a horrified, utterly adorable whisper; "…the awkward thing?"

Joey had stood there a long moment, absolutely stunned that he had actually managed to explain something to his friend.

* * *

**3:30 AM ****_(three minutes later…)_**

Minutes ticked past.

* * *

**3:40 AM ****_(ten minutes later…)_**

And, at last, something had occurred to him.

* * *

**3:50 AM ****_(ten minutes later…)_**

In fact, he'd just decided that he should ask for clarification on what this 'awkward thing' was, just to make sure that Yugi did indeed have the concept correct – when he found himself distracted by the screaming. It seemed to be coming from another classroom, and it sounded suspiciously like–

And before he could work _that _out, the room went dark, and the door was absolutely torn apart by something large slamming into it. Someone came thundering into the room, and Joey instinctively stuck out a leg – whoever it was tripped badly, falling over a desk with a crash. The blonde immediately reached out for his friend –

–and grasped nothing but air.

"MAAAAAARRRRIK!", the stranger roared, grappling with a chair, and the poor teen realized with a jolt that the _other_ door in the room – the door that was still intact – was hanging wide open.

And a little voice in his head snickered.

_'Run, Joey, run!'_

**"MAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIK!"**

Let's just say he _really_ didn't need the encouragement to get the hell out of there.

* * *

**3:30AM (****_twenty minutes earlier…_****)**

"I've decided." The Millennium Ring glowed eerily for a moment, and quite suddenly the darkness had a physical presence, pressing in around the trio.

"I'm raising the stakes. This is officially a Shadow Kissing Game!"

"_Kissing _Game?" Kaiba made a disgusted sound. "Of all the low–down things you could have possibly–"

"Blame Marik. He chose the damn thing."

And at last, parts of earlier conversations began to fall into place for Kaiba:

_You can't win this game._

_Whoever comes through that door must be given what is traditionally given. _

_Kissing Game._

_…WHY DID HE EVEN PICK THAT?_

The brunette whirled on where he thought the Egyptian happened to be at this particular point. "WHAT WERE YOU EVEN THINKI–"

_Click._

"Shh!"

There was a rather hesitant pause, then an all–too–familiar voice came into the room. "Um, girls? You know the rules, right?"

Kaiba's intake of breath came in a rush, and he heard Bakura snicker from somewhere to his left. That was clearly Yugi's voice, which meant that the game had started. And damn, he was going to _win _this game!

"Girls? You're in here, ri– AUUUUGH!"

He went down on his back with a thump. Kaiba smirked at that scream from his new position atop the boy, slamming Yugi's head into the carpet and crashing their lips together in what had to be one of the most vicious kisses he'd ever given. He'd done similar things to some of his hated employees – at KaibaCorp, it was lucky to be simply fired – but the CEO had kept this _exact _set of moves in store for his most hated rival of all time. Snatching the kid's collar, he gave it a good twist, slowly suffocating Yugi even as he forced his tongue into the other's mouth, biting Yugi's tongue as soon as the boy attempted to do the same. It only lasted a few painful seconds, before it was gone; the CEO let go of the boy's collar, and crouched over his prize in the darkness, ready to defend the objective of this game. If he could stop the other two from getting Yugi, he'd have technically won the unwinnable.

Yes, Seto Kaiba had just reinvented this pathetic mess of a game.

You're welcome.

"Hey, gimme that!", Marik hissed softly in his ear, and with a jolt the CEO realized that the Egyptian had somehow snuck behind him. He lashed out backwards with one leg, feeling it connect – he was pleased to send Marik flying with dreadful ferocity. Whirling to his left, he sprang, catching Bakura (or at least, he assumed it was Bakura) in a flying tackle. The two of them rolled across the floor, snarling and lashing out at each other, crashing into desks and swearing copiously at chairs, but eventually the taller combatant had the pale teen flat on his back, abusing his height advantage to maintain a dominant position–

–and Bakura hurled his slender frame upwards, giving Kaiba a very painful headbutting. The CEO reeled back, cracking his head on the edge of a desk, and then the other teen was grabbing at his neck and crashing their mouths together, leaning into it and trying to push him to the floor.

The unwilling prize introduced Bakura's Lower Torso to Fist, sending a wave of pained muscle spasms through the attacker. As soon as the pale teen's grip loosened, Kaiba twisted free, crashing through furniture as he charged back towards the goal; just in time to see Marik making a beeline for Yugi. Without hesitation, he attacked, throwing himself at the Egyptian's legs, and both of them ended up atop the poor boy in a tangled mess of arms and legs, groping (with multiple connotations of that word) in the dark. Bakura attempted to skirt the two of them, but Marik grabbed the pale teen and hauled him down.

"What… you thought I was going to let you come and take it?" The blunt end of the Rod caught Bakura in the stomach, winding him – and Kaiba immediately took advantage of Marik's distraction to snatch the Egyptian's hoodie, pulling it back to strangle. This turned out to be a bad idea, as it resulted in Bakura's head coming closer to the CEOs. Their mouths met again - and as Kaiba hissed, trying to get away from the pale demon, Marik quietly abused his position between them to kiss Yugi on the nose.

* * *

**3:50AM (****_twenty minutes later…_****)**

The round dragged on, and the trio didn't exactly make any huge effort to stand or disentangle themselves from the other two; strategically, it wouldn't have been a wise decision. All three of them were utterly caught up in the game now, each trying to both kiss Yugi _and _assert his dominance over the other two with his lips – as Kaiba had decided, this was clearly the way to win. And, up until this point, Yugi had been staring up at the ceiling in shock, big eyes even wider than usual.

Now, and only now, he screamed; a low keening that quickly developed into a high–pitched wail…

* * *

**3:51AM ****_(one minute later…)_**

Joey ran as fast as his legs would carry him, right through the door his friend had left open, and straight towards the source of the screaming. Whatever the hell was after him seemed to be talking quietly to itself; searching the room he'd vacated for… well, whatever it was looking for. The blonde didn't want to hang around to find out the answer to that question.

Turning hard towards the pained noise of his friend, he ran straight into a wall.

_Huh… Yug' must be in a classroom. _

Spying the glint of a door handle in the near darkness, he crept towards it–

And the door flew open, and a hand shot out to grab him.

_What, they're still playing this game?_

* * *

**3:52AM ****_(one minute later…)_**

Marik heard the other blonde's surprised grunt, and grinned like a shark as he reeled in his catch, drawing the teen close to his chest and delivering a quick peck to the lips. He wasn't expecting Joey to force his head back upwards, wasn't expecting the blonde to kiss him quite so deeply, pushing both of them backwards into the room even as Marik tried to reassert control – and then the teen was gone, leaving the Egyptian to recover his balance with mixed results.

Joey bolted through the room as fast as he dared, crouching over Yugi.

"Yugi! It's me, Joey!"

"Thank… goodness…", the boy whispered up at him, his frame shaking with fear. "Those girls… they were really rough…"

"Erm, I don't think at least one of them was actual– urk!"

Joey went sprawling backwards at that point, Bakura sitting comfortably atop him a moment later. "Eh? Mai?"

The teen bent to whisper in his ear, placing a hand on the floor near his left side. "This… this is a Shadow Game. Which means, unfortunately…"

"Wait, aren't you Yami Bakur–"

**WHAM!**

"Keep your filthy hands off! He's _mine!_", Kaiba roared, sending Joey's latest attacker flying.

Then, six seconds later: "...Erm, I meant that he was mine only in the context of the_ game_. Which, by the way, I am going to _win._ Regardless of the embarrassment."

Bakura snickered from somewhere behind the man. "What, you're trying to talk yourself out of it already?"

"Of course not!" And, with a huff of annoyance, Kaiba turned back to Joey. "Careful, mutt. I don't want to get your fleas."

"Wait, what are y– You haven't even asked me!"

"You are a receiver. And therefore, according to the rules of this game, not allowed to argue."

"That's not even in the _rul-_ ack!"

"Oh?" Kaiba drew back a moment, lip twitching a moment in silent mirth. "It's in _my _rules."

Joey just twitched.

* * *

**3:55AM ****_(three minutes later…)_**

**"MAAAAAAARRRIIIIIIK!"**

"…Erm… I'm coming, Rishid. Just don't turn on the l–"

_Click._

Silence.

Silence.

"…It's not what it looks like."

**Notes:**

1. Pony Express is to Post Office what Dustman's Knock is to Postman's Knock. Basically, it's Post Office, but with the receiver's room (and in this case, the sender's room) in total darkness. Following the rules of Post Office, the game is played so that the sent person gets a kiss from everyone in the receivers group… _however_, the latter group (and in this case, the former as well) is in darkness, meaning that classic mistakes are bound to happen. In addition, a kiss is the minimum – 'horsing around' is quite definitely encouraged. As are lame puns, apparently.

**UAB (Unnecessary Author's Babble)**

First time writing any sort of kissing piece, so that was... a very strange experience. That's okay, I guess – it's a pretty weird piece, even by my standards.

Ahem. The above _thing_ was written as my side of an art trade with Motimerri of dA. The request was left pretty open – have Yami Bakura, Marik, Kaiba, Yugi, Joey and whoever the hell else I liked all play a somewhat awkward game, by which they meant things like Spin the Bottle, Truth or Dare, or Seven Minutes in Heaven. One of the interesting things for this one was that any and all shippings were fine – so I turned this piece into a bizarre creature that embraces some of the weirdest ships I could make with these five.

As for the game – well naturally, I chose a game that doesn't usually see many fics written for it. Yes, they were hardly playing by the rules by the end, but the general idea is that Kaiba dreamed up an extra set of rules for this game which would make winning possible, and as soon the others became aware of aforesaid rules, they immediately began to follow them in order to give themselves a chance at winning.

Hardest thing about this one just has to be the setup. Also, the game being one of the worst things to write about without getting listy. But mostly the setup. The amount of time it took to figure out a scenario where this could even happen was pretty ridiculous.

Useless trivia bit: The title partially derives from the name of the game played, partially from the (implied) outcome of the story, and then I decided to make it reference this one song that any wind band in Australia is guaranteed to play at some stage, due to it being a competition piece. So, yes.

Motimerri has my full permission to link this and/or post this on dA (with credit) if she so wishes.


End file.
